Cannes 2025’s “No Naked” Nonsense Is a Fashion Farce
- Shealene Williams
- 1 day ago
- 4 min read
Listen up, y’all—this ain’t no Riviera glow-up. The 2025 Cannes Film Festival, strutting its stuff today (May 13), yesterday dropped a dress code so tone-deaf it’s giving fashion police with a side of petite bourgeoisie vibes. No nudity. No voluminous gowns. For “decency” and “traffic flow,” they say. Meanwhile, their films are out here flashing more skin than a Titane sex scene, and their security’s still acting like they flunked charm school. Cannes, baby, you’re serving hypocrisy with a stale croissant, and we’re not swallowing it. Buckle up—this red carpet’s getting roasted, Diet Prada style, and we ain’t holding back.
Act I: The “Decency” Drag—Naked Films, Clothed Carpets?
Cannes wants us to believe they’re the moral compass of the Croisette, banning sheer gowns and maximalist trains like they’re saving the French Riviera from a wardrobe malfunction. Their FAQ’s preaching “decency reasons” and “French law,” as if Bella Hadid’s 2024 Saint Laurent halter—10-denier, barely-there, pure slay—was a public health crisis. Newsflash: Hadid’s sheer moment was iconic, not indecent, and stars like Naomi Campbell and Kendall Jenner have been rocking naked dressing at Cannes for years. But now? Full nudity’s out, and even a hint of nipple is a no-go.
Yet, these same folks are cool with films that leave nothing to the imagination. Anatomy of a Fall (2023) and Emilia Perez(2024) served raw, unfiltered bodies, and 2025’s lineup—think Ari Aster’s Eddington or Spike Lee’s Highest 2 Lowest—is rumored to keep the NSFW energy. So, let me get this straight: a sheer gold gown is too much, but a close-up of Joaquin Phoenix’s bare ass in a Western horror is art? Cannes, your double standard’s showing, and it’s uglier than a knockoff Birkin.
X’s Black voices are not having it. “Cannes fine with naked folks on screen but clutchin’ pearls over a dress? Hypocrisy much?” one user snapped. Stylist Karla Welch threw shade on Insta, calling the ban “boring and patriarchal,” while fashion journo Louis Pisano tweeted “thoughts and prayers to stylists” prepping for this mess. Iris Apfrel would’ve captioned this with a “Who approved this?”—and we’d be right there with her. Cannes’ prudish pivot reeks of control, not class, especially when France’s own TV flashes nipples like it’s Tuesday. If you’re gonna gatekeep fashion, at least make the logic match the lighting.
Act II: Security Shenanigans—Rude, Racist, and Ready to Rumble
Oh, and let’s talk about Cannes’ security, because they’re out here acting like bouncers at a dive bar, not a world-class festival. Last year, Kelly Rowland had to check a guard rushing her up the Palais steps, saying, “I have a boundary, and I stand by those boundaries.” She clocked the bias—non-Black women weren’t getting the same heat. Dominican actor Massiel Taveras got blocked from showing her Jesus-faced train, K-Pop star Yoona was hustled along, and Ukrainian model Sawa Pontyjska was literally dragged off the carpet. X lit up: “Cannes security treating Black and POC stars like props? Disgusting.”
This ain’t new. Remember 2015’s “flatgate”? Women got turned away from the Carol premiere for wearing flats, prompting Cate Blanchett to go barefoot in 2023 and Kristen Stewart to ditch heels. Even dudes aren’t safe. Vogue’s Zach Weiss got barred for a “too colorful” suit in 2023. Now, with 2025’s “welcoming teams” ready to enforce the no-nudity, no-train rule, expect more chaos.
SaintHoax would slap a “Security or Stormtroopers?” meme on this, and Nfm’s calling it: Cannes’ goons are giving racist, classist, and straight-up rude. Rowland’s boundary-setting is Nfm’s anthem and we’re not here for security playing fashion cops while films play free-for-all. If you’re gonna police voluminous gowns or sheer outfits, at least train your team to respect the talent, not rush ‘em like they’re late for a bus.
Act III: Fashion’s Funeral—Cannes Kills the Vibe
Cannes’ red carpet used to be a fashion free-for-all, where maximalism met rebellion. Hadid’s 2024 sheer Saint Laurent, Natasha Poly’s daring 2024 gown, Vicky Krieps’ lace Armani Privé—pure art. But this ban on sheer fabrics and voluminous trains is a death knell for 2025’s boldest trends. Naked dressing’s been a runway staple. Saint Laurent, Chloé, Jean Paul Gaultier all leaned in. Leopard print, gold, and beaded looks are our 2025 DNA. Banning them feels like telling a painter to skip color.
The “traffic flow” excuse is flimsier than a $5 thong. Fashion journalist Louis Pisano told Vogue Business the carpet’s clogged by influencers chasing clout in “craziest, biggest” outfits, not stars like Taveras with a train. So why punish everyone? And “decency”? Bianca Censori’s near-nude Grammys look (Feb 2025) might’ve spooked them, but targeting sheer gowns worn by Hadid or Campbell is a choice, and a bad one. TikTok users are roasting: “Cannes banning sheer dresses but not bad films? Priorities wild.” Cue the side-eye GIF captioned “Cannes said no vibes, just rules.”
Stars are pushing back. Bella Hadid defied the ban at tonight’s opening, rocking a sleek, hip high slit number that screamed “try me.” Camille Charriere’s “rules are meant to be broken” Insta post hints at more rebellion. Indian stars like Aishwarya Rai Bachchan and Alia Bhatt, known for bold color saris, might skirt the train ban with maximalist elegance. But, like I said the vibe’s off. Stylists are “paralyzed,” per Fashionista, scrambling to rework looks. Some mature starlets publicly proclaimed “it’s good to ban nudity” but it feels like Stockholm syndrome. Cannes is choking its own glamour, and we're not here for it.
Act IV: Burn the Rulebook, Lift the Culture
This ain’t just a dress code. It’s a power trip. Cannes’ ban screams gatekeeping, silencing the sheer, voluminous, maximalist rebellion that Black dandyism and 2025’s trends embodied. Cannes’ sudden rules and rude security show they’re failing.
We echo what social media voices are screaming: this ban’s a joke, and the security’s a disgrace. We’re not asking for chaos. We’re asking for fair ground. Stars, ditch the safe gowns. Wear Rogers’ gold drama, Valdes’ sheer power, Burrows’ pistachio green pop. Stylists, channel Abloh’s “3% tweak” and respect the art of couture. Security? Learn Rowland’s boundaries or step off. Cannes, if you’re gonna flaunt nudity on screen, let the carpet breathe because maximalism ain’t a crime.
Hadid’s already out here breaking rules. Heidi Klume and Wan QianHui followed suit. Way to slay, ladies!